Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
