I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He passed out mid-signature
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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