Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
A bitchslap is in order.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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