EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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