bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
