I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
