Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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