omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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