my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
