Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
