She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
