i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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