I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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