I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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