My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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