i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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