I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
