The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
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You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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