nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
