I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
