i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Randomize
