Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
