Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
