I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
