Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
