i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
