A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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