hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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