She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
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I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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