I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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