Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
