i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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