the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
