so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
