a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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