we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
