i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
