just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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