i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
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