no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
