he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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