I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
