You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
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