Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
