Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
