Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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