I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
