I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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