I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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