I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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