I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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