I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
